There are three men Tom, Dick and Harry, let’s look at how they react to women.

Tom found that women usually lost interest in him. They started off feeling attracted to him, then when they acted ‘moody’ he saw it as a sign that he need to fill an emotional need in them. He filled that need, becoming their emotional punchbag. The women became aloof and were, eventually, repulsed by him. They walked away.

Dick found his relationships crashing and burning. When they acted ‘moody’ with him he just walked away, he thought that if a woman doesn’t want to be with you, that was that. They don’t know what they want, no point dealing with their unpredictable behaviour. He saw intimate relationships as a power-play of status, sexual rights and control. He walked away.

Harry had a secure long-term relationship and found women constantly interested in him. When his woman acted ‘moody’ he listened and gave her the space to talk. He stayed true to what he felt and ensured she understood that. He was confident in himself and was not affected by the wild emotional swings he was experiencing. He knew what was good for them and was open and straight with her, even if it ‘hurt’ her. They stayed together

All three men had the same advantages in terms of looks, wealth and other ‘important’ issues, so what’s the difference in their behaviour, given that the women initially acted the same way each time? The difference is in how they reacted to female testing, that reaction resulted in the dramatically different results.

What is female testing?

In a recent post, Pleading Does Not Hack It, while talking about the failure of a man’s relationship through too much pleading, I said’

“Finally I just want to say a quick word about female testing. They will always do it, as long as you are together. Women need to trust their men and the only way they can be sure you are trustworthy is to constantly test it. Look for it and love it. If it upsets you, you are finished, try becoming a monk instead.”

A women is attracted to a man who is in control of himself but not controlling, to her the most unattractive trait in a man is insecurity. A woman has a constant need to know where she is with a man, she needs to feel safe, to feel excited and to feel free.

A major feminine characteristic is trust. She needs to trust her man, totally trust him, with her emotions, with her life. Only when a woman can trust a man will she surrender to him, will she love him. Unfortunately men are not good at showing emotions, they tend to keep things hidden, they tend not to talk very much. So it’s no use a woman asking a man about this, the best she might get will be a shrug. So testing is the only proven method that gets results, that shows the truth, that reveals the sub-conscious motives of a man.

Why do women test men?

Men all know that women test them all the time, women can’t help it. But why do they do it? There are a few simple reasons:

1. Defence Mechanism

   She needs a man to know that he can’t take her for granted, she is not a push-over. She needs a man to show that he can respect her. She wants a man to see that she has standards and that he has to meet them.

2. Screening

   She needs to find a man that she can’t take for granted, he is not a push-over. She needs to know that she can respect him. She wants to see how strong emotionally he is, how smart he is.

3. Need for Re-assurance

   She wants the certainty that a man cares for her and wants to protect her. She wants to know that he is trustworthy and that she is safe surrendering to him and his love.

4. Love

   She wants a man to know that she loves him, that he is important to her. Only a man she cares for and wants in her life is worth constantly testing.

5. Ego Inflation

   Sometimes a woman tests because she enjoys making a man uncomfortable, because she can. Men ask for it by getting nervous and uncertain. Ultimately she wants a man to reveal himself, particularly if he is not uncomfortable is his masculinity. This is not meant cruelly, but to help the man see who he really is and what he needs to do to become worthy of her.

6. Abandonment Complex

   This is a serious issue that needs to be treated with care by a man. It is a psychological trait that a woman has stemming from abandonment by men, usually starting with her father. Often nothing the man can do will satisfy the inability of the woman to trust the man. It is not solvable by the man (men, don’t try to solve it!) and needs professional help.

How do men react to testing?

The more a man passes a woman’s test, the more intimacy he achieves with her, the more he is trusted by her. Women want a man who is in control of himself yet slightly out of control; a confident, independent man who excels in life. This is because a woman ultimately surrenders herselvf to a man who she believes to be ‘the one’. If a man doesn’t understand this then he can create chaos in a relationship. As we saw at the beginning a man can fall victim to the testing or get angry with it. Either way he fails. He can, however, take it in his stride, be a rock, be sure of himself and let her swirl around him. The he passes. There is no control involved, just openness and freedom, on both sides.

Tom Dick and Harry.

So what about Tom, Dick and Harry. By now you should have worked it out. Tom is needy and falls victim to her tests, he fails because he has no inner strength that enables her to trust him. Dick is angry and doesn’t respect women, he fails because he will always be fighting her. Harry treats her with respect but also respects himself. He passes because he is strong and certain, she can trust him because he trusts himself.

What am I to do?

Best to just accept that women do and will test men. Be aware of it when it happens and deal with it in a way that gains you authority and understanding in the relationship. Personally, I see it as a supreme act of love. I become nervous when I am not being tested by my partner. She loves me and she wants to show it, she wants to feel safe with me, she wants to know if I love her.

Technorati Tags: certainty, Female, Love, Male, Men, Polarity, relationship, safety, security, testing, trust, women

I am awake early, she is still asleep. I get up, avoiding waking her. Start writing. All’s quiet, time to get into my flow.

She wakes, comes out all sleepy-eyed, says good morning, gives me hug. I tell her about what I am doing and carry on.

She’s in the kitchen, fiddling with some stuff… “Shall we have breakfast first?”. “Hmmm”, I say, concentrating, “before what?”. “Before we start”, she says.

Silence from me, I’m focusing.

“Shall we have breakfast first?” she says again!

Slowly, ever so slowly, it dawns on me. “Come here”, I say, “Sit down”. “Ooh”, she says, “Two commands, I don’t know which to follow!”.

I close my computer and hug her and say no more! We go back to bed, this time to wake up properly!

The questions? They aren’t important, they are just seeking attention. I was focused and not paying her any attention. I had started my day before she woke up. We didn’t wake up together and start afresh.

A woman needs attention all the time. If she’s not getting it she will find a way. Questions are a good technique.

Guys, you can ignore the questions, but don’t ignore her. Give her the attention she needs. Life will be transformed.

Technorati Tags: Attention, Female, feminine, focus, Love, Lover, Male, Polarity, quiet time, relationship, silence, Sleep, woman needs attention

No, not by keeping it in the fridge, you want it hot not cold!

I was talking about my relationship to a female friend, talking about men in general and how they just don’t step up. She loved what I had to tell her, “I am in awe of the radiance of your relationship”, she said, but she still did not understand how to keep an exciting relationship at its initial level over time.

My answer was simple, “You need to start afresh every day. Treat every day as if it was the start of the relationship”. “But how do you do that?” she said.

That, of course, is where the simplicity ends. The eXperience starts before the relationship does and it starts with the man and his presence. Male eXperience is not intended to be a relationship or dating site but when talking about showing up as a man it becomes impossible to leave relationships out of the equation.

So here is a quick, 10 step, run-down, for men, on how to get it going and keep it fresh.

1. Treat your partner as a goddess.

Because she is, otherwise why would you love her? If you don’t know how to do this then just think of everything you do as a form of worship. Make all you rinteractions sacred, you’ll soon get the message from her responses.

2. Be fully present.

When you are with her let everything else go, she is the most important part of your world. Focus on her and show that you can take anything she does without flinching.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

If in doubt, ask. You will often be in doubt, because you won’t understand what is going on in her head. That’s OK as long as you don’t assume you know what’s going on and get it completely wrong. To her that shows you haven’t been listening.

4. Understand the power of polarity.

Relationships thrive on polarity. The polarity of a masculine man in his core and a feminine woman in her core is electrifying. Keep the polarity at the forefront of the relationship and do all you can to encourage it. Believe me you will enjoy it.

5. Look your best.

Act as you did when you were first going out. Look at how you dress, how you present yourself. She wants you to behave as you did in the beginning, she wants you to keep the excitement there. Don’t become a slob!

6. Take the lead.

Men often let their woman take the lead and decide what to do. That is so wrong. Always take the lead in making decisions but ensure that you give her the space to have her say. The best is if you make the decision to do what she wants without appearing to. That’s a winner.

7. Remember she needs constant attention.

This is the absolute number one in being with a woman. Much of what she does is, in fact, to remind you of this. You can never give too much attention. If in doubt just do it.

8. Don’t take it personally.

Never, ever take anything she does, or says, personally. It is usually about something going on in her head which has nothing to do with you. While she is the most important person in your world, she is in her world. Let her be and don’t get beaten down, it’s not about you.

9. Never just say goodnight.

I really shouldn’t have to say this! Let any difficulties go at the end of the day and hold her in your arms. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

10. Start afresh each day.

Start again as if it was the first day of the relationship. Take the ideas in the previous stage and expand on them. Welcome her into your world and look forward to your day together. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

Sometimes it can seem overwhelming to put all these into practice at once. If that is the case then just introduce them one or two at a time. Remember to start afresh each day no matter what happened yesterday. The past does not equal the future.

If in doubt just give her constant attention.

Technorati Tags: energy, essence, feminine, focus, masculine, Polarity, Presence, women

Cheta has written on Trust and Surrender in Female eXperience. The post is about an experiment we carried out recently where she wanted to fully experience the two feminine characteristics of Trusting and Surrendering. You should read her post to understand what she went through and where it took us.

Here I want to look at my perspective and talk about what it meant for me to fully experience trust and surrender from a woman.

I see trust as one of the most important feminine characteristics. It is, however, one that only appears when the man proves trustworthy. It starts with the man, as it always does. The man has to show what he is made of, how certain he is and how consistent he is. Only when the woman fully believes him and sees his truth will she start to trust him. Along this road she will, continually, test him to see if she can shake him, to see if she see behind his behaviour. I have written on testing before, and feel that this is the greatest expression of a woman’s love for a man.

When Cheta suggested her working with total trust and surrender during a trip we were making I was anxious to understand what she really meant. We had been having some issues with her accepting my lead and organisation and I felt unsure, occasionally, as to whether this was just about her and control or whether it was also about me. I avoided showing this uncertainty to her, that is not what a man does. I was keen to experiment with this, I wanted her to see how capable and willing I was to lead and support her.

It started out, from my perspective, as a disaster. She seemed to intervene more than usual and destroyed my attempts to guide her through the many challenges with ease and panache. Was this me or was she really just incapable of trusting me and treating me like a man. The next day I got angry and told her how it was destroying me as a man. It’s fine for a man to take the lead and just let what the woman does wash over him. He can show his strength and certainty no matter what she does, but the fact that she won’t trust him eats away at his insides. Eventually, something starts dying. For the relationship to work it is important that both parties are involved and that, as Cheta says, there is polarity. One side is not enough.

Cheta saw what was happening, both to her and me, and started to let go. Once this happened the flow was amazing. It wasn’t that I felt in control, it was that we complemented each other perfectly. We each had a role and we no longer had to think about it and work out what needed to be done. To cross a busy road was easy, I watched the traffic, took her hand and went. She took my hand and trusted. We felt like one being.

A man needs to feel like this to fully embrace his masculine essence. It’s not enough for him to take it, the woman also needs to give it to him. I see so many examples of couples where this has failed and the relationship has died.

There was a young couple at the station in Kuala Lumpur. She pushed forward with a bound volume of all their tickets and itineraries to seek help from the ticket collector. He hung back looking lost. No trust and not a sign of surrender, only control. I am sure she was good at it, but her man was dying in the process.

There was the elderly couple at O’Hare airport in Chicago. They were, wrongly, in the security line. When they approached the escalator an attendant stopped them and sent them to the check-in line. She lead the way, he almost looked triumphant that she had got it wrong. But where was he? He had long ago given up. It’s what many men do. They get tired of fighting their woman and give up. She, of course, fills the gap and assumes complete control.

Men think the only alternative is domination and abuse. Sometimes they go there, but usually they see that as wrong.

There is a better way and that is to be strong and certain and to help your woman, through your presence, certainty and consistency, to see what is happening. That is not to persuade or plead with her, just show her what works for you and help her to see that a balance is necessary. Show her what polarity means, be a man and help her to trust you.

Technorati Tags: authenticity, certainty, energy, feminine, masculine, Polarity, surrender, trust, women

At dinner, the other night, I was discussing men with with two ladies. We were sitting in a small Indian cafe in Little India in Singapore. My partner and I were talking about our relationship, how strong it is and what shifts we had to make to allow it to happen. Our friend told us about a man  she had been with at lunch who was having issues with his girlfriend.

He was dealing with the issues of a long term relationship and the wildness of his woman. This is, of course, something that all men have to deal with if they want their relationship to work. They had reached a point where things were rocky and he needed to take action. He called her and asked her to come to Singapore so they could talk things out. So, reluctantly, she came and they talked and talked. She decided things weren’t going anywhere and went back to Hong Kong. He now sits in Singapore agonising over what to do and talking to our friend about it, seeking help.

So our friend wanted me to talk to this man and help him to see how to step up and be a man.

I wasn’t able to organise it but through this post at least I can help others in the same predicament.

Having reached a rocky stage he made four critical errors that ensured the relationship would fall apart completely. These four errors centred on his behaviour as a man. If you already know what they are you can stop reading, you are in a great state. If you can’t see them yet you need some help so keep reading. These errors are so basic in our relationships with women that dealing with them can transform our lives.

First error was that he asked her to come to him. You may think that this shows his strength as a man in telling her what to do. No! He was showing weakness and indecision. He wasn’t sure of his ground so he wanted her to come to his patch where he felt most confident, he thought it meant he could control the situation. It just showed her that he didn’t know what he wanted and that between them they might find a solution. In my view the situation never recovered from this error. It is so basic that you must remember it. Know what you want and go to her. Show your confidence and take your presence to her.

She wasn’t sure if she had read it correctly and, being a woman, decided to test him. She went to him to see if he could retrieve the position. He started talking, that was the second error. He should have shown by his energy and by his actions  what he wanted, instead he talked. She immediately knew he didn’t know what he wanted, he wasn’t confident of his position. He was showing his weakness. So she stayed to give him some time, yet another female test. He didn’t recover so she left.

Virtually his last chance was to get on a plane and follow her. That could win her over. The strength and presence he would have shown could be all she needed. Of course her leaving was a test to see if he would follow her. No, he didn’t, end of story. Never think this is too late, you can still recover at this stage, but it needs strength and certainty.

His ultimate weakness was shown when he went to talk to a female friend about the situation seeking help and advice. Guys, that is the final, devastating weakness. Women are not there to be your confidante, even if they are not your girlfriend. That is what other men are for. We all are unsure at times. That’s why we go and have a beer with our mate and moan about women. We get the angst out of out system and find the strength to do what we really know we should have done all along.

The man we are talking about is a clever, successful man, he just doesn’t know his manhood. He spent his time pleading and placating. When I said to the two ladies, after hearing the story, “Pleading just doesn’t hack it”, they both looked at me and nodded furiously. That was his simple error, he pleaded with his girlfriend. Women hate that. It’s so weak they want to slap you. Before I made my shift I tried to plead with my, now, partner. She just said to me, “I don’t need another girlfriend, I need a man”. Wow, that hit home. It upset me, but it set me on the track to be the man I am today.

So men, take heed from this man. Don’t plead, don’t persuade. Decide what you want and go for it with total certainty, the one with the most certainty wins.

Finally I just want to say a quick word about female testing. They will always do it, as long as you are together. Women need to trust their men and the only way they can be sure you are trustworthy is to constantly test it. Look for it and love it. If it upsets you, you are finished, try becoming a monk instead.

Technorati Tags: equality, Female, masculine, masculine characteristics, Polarity, Presence, women

Gary Stamper in “Beyond Integral” has recently written on the importance of polarity in relationships. From my own experience I totally agree with him. Polarity is possibly the most vital element in a living relationship.

What is it about polarity that is so important. Thinking about it after reading Gary’s post I realised it is very basic:

1. Polarity creates energy and relationships are about energy. Energy gives them life and makes them exciting. I have learnt a great deal on this through Tantra where energy is everything.
2. Polarity usually ensures that both sides in the relationship are in their core. It is critical that each person is at ease with themself and is comfortable with how the other is. Polarity reveals so much about this.
3. Polarity ensures their is no confusion in the relationship. Each knows his/her contribution to it and each enjoys the contribution of the other.
4. Polarity creates great sex, on both sides. This is important for the longevity of the relationship.

It was fashionable when I was younger for men and women to seek equality in their relationships, I remember looking for this myself. It seemed fair to give the woman equal say in what happened and for the man to equally contribute. There is no reason why polarity cannot include elements of this. A re-awakened relationship will take the best of the past and integrate it into a new, exciting, energetic relationship.

Technorati Tags: energy, Female, Male, Men, Polarity, Relationships