No, not by keeping it in the fridge, you want it hot not cold!

I was talking about my relationship to a female friend, talking about men in general and how they just don’t step up. She loved what I had to tell her, “I am in awe of the radiance of your relationship”, she said, but she still did not understand how to keep an exciting relationship at its initial level over time.

My answer was simple, “You need to start afresh every day. Treat every day as if it was the start of the relationship”. “But how do you do that?” she said.

That, of course, is where the simplicity ends. The eXperience starts before the relationship does and it starts with the man and his presence. Male eXperience is not intended to be a relationship or dating site but when talking about showing up as a man it becomes impossible to leave relationships out of the equation.

So here is a quick, 10 step, run-down, for men, on how to get it going and keep it fresh.

1. Treat your partner as a goddess.

Because she is, otherwise why would you love her? If you don’t know how to do this then just think of everything you do as a form of worship. Make all you rinteractions sacred, you’ll soon get the message from her responses.

2. Be fully present.

When you are with her let everything else go, she is the most important part of your world. Focus on her and show that you can take anything she does without flinching.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

If in doubt, ask. You will often be in doubt, because you won’t understand what is going on in her head. That’s OK as long as you don’t assume you know what’s going on and get it completely wrong. To her that shows you haven’t been listening.

4. Understand the power of polarity.

Relationships thrive on polarity. The polarity of a masculine man in his core and a feminine woman in her core is electrifying. Keep the polarity at the forefront of the relationship and do all you can to encourage it. Believe me you will enjoy it.

5. Look your best.

Act as you did when you were first going out. Look at how you dress, how you present yourself. She wants you to behave as you did in the beginning, she wants you to keep the excitement there. Don’t become a slob!

6. Take the lead.

Men often let their woman take the lead and decide what to do. That is so wrong. Always take the lead in making decisions but ensure that you give her the space to have her say. The best is if you make the decision to do what she wants without appearing to. That’s a winner.

7. Remember she needs constant attention.

This is the absolute number one in being with a woman. Much of what she does is, in fact, to remind you of this. You can never give too much attention. If in doubt just do it.

8. Don’t take it personally.

Never, ever take anything she does, or says, personally. It is usually about something going on in her head which has nothing to do with you. While she is the most important person in your world, she is in her world. Let her be and don’t get beaten down, it’s not about you.

9. Never just say goodnight.

I really shouldn’t have to say this! Let any difficulties go at the end of the day and hold her in your arms. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

10. Start afresh each day.

Start again as if it was the first day of the relationship. Take the ideas in the previous stage and expand on them. Welcome her into your world and look forward to your day together. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

Sometimes it can seem overwhelming to put all these into practice at once. If that is the case then just introduce them one or two at a time. Remember to start afresh each day no matter what happened yesterday. The past does not equal the future.

If in doubt just give her constant attention.

Technorati Tags: energy, essence, feminine, focus, masculine, Polarity, Presence, women

Cheta has written on Trust and Surrender in Female eXperience. The post is about an experiment we carried out recently where she wanted to fully experience the two feminine characteristics of Trusting and Surrendering. You should read her post to understand what she went through and where it took us.

Here I want to look at my perspective and talk about what it meant for me to fully experience trust and surrender from a woman.

I see trust as one of the most important feminine characteristics. It is, however, one that only appears when the man proves trustworthy. It starts with the man, as it always does. The man has to show what he is made of, how certain he is and how consistent he is. Only when the woman fully believes him and sees his truth will she start to trust him. Along this road she will, continually, test him to see if she can shake him, to see if she see behind his behaviour. I have written on testing before, and feel that this is the greatest expression of a woman’s love for a man.

When Cheta suggested her working with total trust and surrender during a trip we were making I was anxious to understand what she really meant. We had been having some issues with her accepting my lead and organisation and I felt unsure, occasionally, as to whether this was just about her and control or whether it was also about me. I avoided showing this uncertainty to her, that is not what a man does. I was keen to experiment with this, I wanted her to see how capable and willing I was to lead and support her.

It started out, from my perspective, as a disaster. She seemed to intervene more than usual and destroyed my attempts to guide her through the many challenges with ease and panache. Was this me or was she really just incapable of trusting me and treating me like a man. The next day I got angry and told her how it was destroying me as a man. It’s fine for a man to take the lead and just let what the woman does wash over him. He can show his strength and certainty no matter what she does, but the fact that she won’t trust him eats away at his insides. Eventually, something starts dying. For the relationship to work it is important that both parties are involved and that, as Cheta says, there is polarity. One side is not enough.

Cheta saw what was happening, both to her and me, and started to let go. Once this happened the flow was amazing. It wasn’t that I felt in control, it was that we complemented each other perfectly. We each had a role and we no longer had to think about it and work out what needed to be done. To cross a busy road was easy, I watched the traffic, took her hand and went. She took my hand and trusted. We felt like one being.

A man needs to feel like this to fully embrace his masculine essence. It’s not enough for him to take it, the woman also needs to give it to him. I see so many examples of couples where this has failed and the relationship has died.

There was a young couple at the station in Kuala Lumpur. She pushed forward with a bound volume of all their tickets and itineraries to seek help from the ticket collector. He hung back looking lost. No trust and not a sign of surrender, only control. I am sure she was good at it, but her man was dying in the process.

There was the elderly couple at O’Hare airport in Chicago. They were, wrongly, in the security line. When they approached the escalator an attendant stopped them and sent them to the check-in line. She lead the way, he almost looked triumphant that she had got it wrong. But where was he? He had long ago given up. It’s what many men do. They get tired of fighting their woman and give up. She, of course, fills the gap and assumes complete control.

Men think the only alternative is domination and abuse. Sometimes they go there, but usually they see that as wrong.

There is a better way and that is to be strong and certain and to help your woman, through your presence, certainty and consistency, to see what is happening. That is not to persuade or plead with her, just show her what works for you and help her to see that a balance is necessary. Show her what polarity means, be a man and help her to trust you.

Technorati Tags: authenticity, certainty, energy, feminine, masculine, Polarity, surrender, trust, women

Nelson Mandela took the world by storm when he became President of the new South Africa. His presence before his former captors was an example to men everywhere. His focus and dedication in the face of his incarceration seemed almost super-human. But was it? Was he something special, or was he an example of the power of a man in his core, a man who knew himself and his purpose?

Men, when they ‘get it’ can be amazingly powerful, but how do they get there and why should they?

David’s life changed dramatically when he recently started a relationship with Sarah, a girl he had known and worked with for over three years. They had both been looking for their soulmate without realising that he/she was there in font of their eyes all the time. they were great friends and loved each other’s company.

It had never occurred to either of them that there was, or could be, anything more. Yet each was seeking what was missing in their life. Then, one day, the spark happened and their lives were transformed. They are living together now, even though they are from different countries, and are expecting a baby in the next few weeks.

So what changed, what happened? Where did the magic come from? What sparked?

The details of the story are irrelevant, what matters is the forces at work behind the individuals concerned.

Shakti Gawain in her book, ‘Living in the Light’, said,

“It is the Energy of the Universe moving through us that transforms, not the particular things we do. … Whether you are … taking a walk or building a house, if you’re doing it with a sense of being right where you want to be and doing what you want to be doing, that fullness and joy in the experience will be felt by everyone around you. … You will see proof of it in watching the changes in people.”

The energy of the universe runs through and influences us all. It is this that is responsible for the monumental changes such as the one that David and Sarah went through.

But how did this energy work its magic and transform two people? How did it create this blend of masculinity and femininity that is now producing new life?

Cheta, my partner, and I have been talking about the moment the spark happens, the moment everything changes. What are the actual forces that are working in people? We are particularly interested in this because it happened in our lives, allowing us to create the wonderful relationship we have.

In our work with men and women we have found that archetypes and stories often hold the key to age old mysteries. The parallel stories of Sleeping Beauty and the Frog Prince look at the essence of a person being put to sleep or hidden from the world. This continues until the ‘mysterious stranger’ comes along and kisses the Beauty/Frog. Then a transformation happens and the pair fall in love and live happily ever after.

So the answer is a kiss? No, not quite! Neither sex are waiting for their future partner to come along and kiss them, thus revealing, at last, their inner core, even if they think that’s the situation. The kiss is a metaphor and they key is to isolate what the metaphor is.

This leads us back to Shakti Gawain’s ‘Energy of the Universe’. There is a moment when the energy is revealed in all its power. That moment is when the initial spark of polarity fires between two people. Suddenly everything is clear and exciting. It is the moment often described as ‘love at first sight’. Shakti Gawain describes it as the moment you have a sense of being right where you want to be and doing what you want to be doing. At that moment the fullness and joy in the experience will be felt by everyone around you.

This happens between two people. The energy of polarity is revealed and acts as a catalyst in two people. That catalyst starts the transformation that moves the man into his masculinity and the woman into her femininity. Most of us know that moment, many of us have felt the spark.

It is at this point that men need to move into top gear and start working on how they show up as a man. I have talked a lot in these pages on this subject and i will be talking about it a lot more. Men are prone to leave this bit out and wonder, later on, why the spark died why the magic didn’t continue.

That initial spark of polarity is just a catalyst, it is just there to set off the chain reaction, not to keep it going. It reveals the infinite potential of polarity as a force between two people, the power that can exist between them, the excitement that comes from the interaction of their cores. Men need to harness that power, need to feel that excitement, need to fully experience the polarity and bring it into their life as a permanent feature. They need to develop their own power, strength and presence and take the woman by storm.

Rumi the 13th century poet said,

“A man’s head may be filled with knowledge of meaningless worldly matters, he may be familiar with all the sciences, and yet not know his own soul. He knows the special properties of every substance, but he is as ignorant as an ass about the nature of his own essence. He declares, “I know what is permissable and what is not,” but he does not know if his own actions are permissable. He knows the precise value of every article he buys and sells; but in his folly he does not know his own value. He has learned to distinguish auspicious stars from inauspicious ones, but he does not examine his soul to see if he is in a fortunate or poor spiritual state. To know yourself, and to live your life in anticipation of the Day of Jusgement, is to master the highest science.”

He needs to discover what his essence is and let it, help it, grow.

Why is this important? Why not just enjoy the initial spark of polarity while it lasts and let the future be what it may be?

David is in the full throws of the amazing passion he has discovered, Sarah is overwhelmed by the impending birth. Life is changing before her eyes in ways that she didn’t anticipate a few months ago. This period can be hateful for a woman, that’s why the hormones let you forget it once the baby is born. She wants to escape from it and thinks it would be great to go travelling the world, once the baby is born. She has a year’s maternity leave, why not use it to go to new places? David starts asking round seeking ideas for where to go.

Of course for him this seems a great idea. But as a man it’s his role to see beyond the irrationality of his woman. It is for him to see what she doesn’t yet see. There will be a vulnerable baby in the first few months of life that needs to be cared for and nurtured. There will be a woman in the throws, potentially, of post-natal depression, a woman for whom life may not make sense any more, a woman trying to come to terms with new responsibilities. It’s for him to think of his family and gently shift the idea into something practical. He will have a family to think of, they need him to be rational and be a man. They rely on him to guide and look after them.

Men are leaders not because they are better than women but because they can have the ability to focus and see beyond the immediate surroundings. They can live beyond this moment into the future. Women can be overwhelmed by their own emotions and the family they look after and can miss the bigger picture.

Men are leaders because they can extrapolate this beyond their immediate family. Nelson Mandela had the focus and foresight to see beyond the immediate surroundings of the prison cell he was held in for 27 years to the needs of his country. He was able to subjugate his needs to those of his people. That is the essence of a man.

Technorati Tags: Archetypes, core essence, energy, essence, feminine, focus, masculine, Presence, women

At dinner, the other night, I was discussing men with with two ladies. We were sitting in a small Indian cafe in Little India in Singapore. My partner and I were talking about our relationship, how strong it is and what shifts we had to make to allow it to happen. Our friend told us about a man  she had been with at lunch who was having issues with his girlfriend.

He was dealing with the issues of a long term relationship and the wildness of his woman. This is, of course, something that all men have to deal with if they want their relationship to work. They had reached a point where things were rocky and he needed to take action. He called her and asked her to come to Singapore so they could talk things out. So, reluctantly, she came and they talked and talked. She decided things weren’t going anywhere and went back to Hong Kong. He now sits in Singapore agonising over what to do and talking to our friend about it, seeking help.

So our friend wanted me to talk to this man and help him to see how to step up and be a man.

I wasn’t able to organise it but through this post at least I can help others in the same predicament.

Having reached a rocky stage he made four critical errors that ensured the relationship would fall apart completely. These four errors centred on his behaviour as a man. If you already know what they are you can stop reading, you are in a great state. If you can’t see them yet you need some help so keep reading. These errors are so basic in our relationships with women that dealing with them can transform our lives.

First error was that he asked her to come to him. You may think that this shows his strength as a man in telling her what to do. No! He was showing weakness and indecision. He wasn’t sure of his ground so he wanted her to come to his patch where he felt most confident, he thought it meant he could control the situation. It just showed her that he didn’t know what he wanted and that between them they might find a solution. In my view the situation never recovered from this error. It is so basic that you must remember it. Know what you want and go to her. Show your confidence and take your presence to her.

She wasn’t sure if she had read it correctly and, being a woman, decided to test him. She went to him to see if he could retrieve the position. He started talking, that was the second error. He should have shown by his energy and by his actions  what he wanted, instead he talked. She immediately knew he didn’t know what he wanted, he wasn’t confident of his position. He was showing his weakness. So she stayed to give him some time, yet another female test. He didn’t recover so she left.

Virtually his last chance was to get on a plane and follow her. That could win her over. The strength and presence he would have shown could be all she needed. Of course her leaving was a test to see if he would follow her. No, he didn’t, end of story. Never think this is too late, you can still recover at this stage, but it needs strength and certainty.

His ultimate weakness was shown when he went to talk to a female friend about the situation seeking help and advice. Guys, that is the final, devastating weakness. Women are not there to be your confidante, even if they are not your girlfriend. That is what other men are for. We all are unsure at times. That’s why we go and have a beer with our mate and moan about women. We get the angst out of out system and find the strength to do what we really know we should have done all along.

The man we are talking about is a clever, successful man, he just doesn’t know his manhood. He spent his time pleading and placating. When I said to the two ladies, after hearing the story, “Pleading just doesn’t hack it”, they both looked at me and nodded furiously. That was his simple error, he pleaded with his girlfriend. Women hate that. It’s so weak they want to slap you. Before I made my shift I tried to plead with my, now, partner. She just said to me, “I don’t need another girlfriend, I need a man”. Wow, that hit home. It upset me, but it set me on the track to be the man I am today.

So men, take heed from this man. Don’t plead, don’t persuade. Decide what you want and go for it with total certainty, the one with the most certainty wins.

Finally I just want to say a quick word about female testing. They will always do it, as long as you are together. Women need to trust their men and the only way they can be sure you are trustworthy is to constantly test it. Look for it and love it. If it upsets you, you are finished, try becoming a monk instead.

Technorati Tags: equality, Female, masculine, masculine characteristics, Polarity, Presence, women

An Extraordinary Video

Presence is a most important masculine characteristic. Men who master this are in command of themselves and their ability to relate to others.

It is the ability to know yourself and know what you are. It is the ability to take whatever comes at you and the ability to be the rock that women so desire.

I was in Fiji recently and attended a traditional Meke. One of the dancers from the local village was a little boy who has become an amazing performer. This video of him shows his presence and ability to be confident in himself. Look for the strong straight back right at the end when he walks away from the audience. Wow! He is going to be amazing when he grows up.

Technorati Tags: Fiji, Male, masculine, masculine characteristics, Presence, Role Model