I am awake early, she is still asleep. I get up, avoiding waking her. Start writing. All’s quiet, time to get into my flow.

She wakes, comes out all sleepy-eyed, says good morning, gives me hug. I tell her about what I am doing and carry on.

She’s in the kitchen, fiddling with some stuff… “Shall we have breakfast first?”. “Hmmm”, I say, concentrating, “before what?”. “Before we start”, she says.

Silence from me, I’m focusing.

“Shall we have breakfast first?” she says again!

Slowly, ever so slowly, it dawns on me. “Come here”, I say, “Sit down”. “Ooh”, she says, “Two commands, I don’t know which to follow!”.

I close my computer and hug her and say no more! We go back to bed, this time to wake up properly!

The questions? They aren’t important, they are just seeking attention. I was focused and not paying her any attention. I had started my day before she woke up. We didn’t wake up together and start afresh.

A woman needs attention all the time. If she’s not getting it she will find a way. Questions are a good technique.

Guys, you can ignore the questions, but don’t ignore her. Give her the attention she needs. Life will be transformed.

Technorati Tags: Attention, Female, feminine, focus, Love, Lover, Male, Polarity, quiet time, relationship, silence, Sleep, woman needs attention

No, not by keeping it in the fridge, you want it hot not cold!

I was talking about my relationship to a female friend, talking about men in general and how they just don’t step up. She loved what I had to tell her, “I am in awe of the radiance of your relationship”, she said, but she still did not understand how to keep an exciting relationship at its initial level over time.

My answer was simple, “You need to start afresh every day. Treat every day as if it was the start of the relationship”. “But how do you do that?” she said.

That, of course, is where the simplicity ends. The eXperience starts before the relationship does and it starts with the man and his presence. Male eXperience is not intended to be a relationship or dating site but when talking about showing up as a man it becomes impossible to leave relationships out of the equation.

So here is a quick, 10 step, run-down, for men, on how to get it going and keep it fresh.

1. Treat your partner as a goddess.

Because she is, otherwise why would you love her? If you don’t know how to do this then just think of everything you do as a form of worship. Make all you rinteractions sacred, you’ll soon get the message from her responses.

2. Be fully present.

When you are with her let everything else go, she is the most important part of your world. Focus on her and show that you can take anything she does without flinching.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

If in doubt, ask. You will often be in doubt, because you won’t understand what is going on in her head. That’s OK as long as you don’t assume you know what’s going on and get it completely wrong. To her that shows you haven’t been listening.

4. Understand the power of polarity.

Relationships thrive on polarity. The polarity of a masculine man in his core and a feminine woman in her core is electrifying. Keep the polarity at the forefront of the relationship and do all you can to encourage it. Believe me you will enjoy it.

5. Look your best.

Act as you did when you were first going out. Look at how you dress, how you present yourself. She wants you to behave as you did in the beginning, she wants you to keep the excitement there. Don’t become a slob!

6. Take the lead.

Men often let their woman take the lead and decide what to do. That is so wrong. Always take the lead in making decisions but ensure that you give her the space to have her say. The best is if you make the decision to do what she wants without appearing to. That’s a winner.

7. Remember she needs constant attention.

This is the absolute number one in being with a woman. Much of what she does is, in fact, to remind you of this. You can never give too much attention. If in doubt just do it.

8. Don’t take it personally.

Never, ever take anything she does, or says, personally. It is usually about something going on in her head which has nothing to do with you. While she is the most important person in your world, she is in her world. Let her be and don’t get beaten down, it’s not about you.

9. Never just say goodnight.

I really shouldn’t have to say this! Let any difficulties go at the end of the day and hold her in your arms. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

10. Start afresh each day.

Start again as if it was the first day of the relationship. Take the ideas in the previous stage and expand on them. Welcome her into your world and look forward to your day together. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

Sometimes it can seem overwhelming to put all these into practice at once. If that is the case then just introduce them one or two at a time. Remember to start afresh each day no matter what happened yesterday. The past does not equal the future.

If in doubt just give her constant attention.

Technorati Tags: energy, essence, feminine, focus, masculine, Polarity, Presence, women

Nelson Mandela took the world by storm when he became President of the new South Africa. His presence before his former captors was an example to men everywhere. His focus and dedication in the face of his incarceration seemed almost super-human. But was it? Was he something special, or was he an example of the power of a man in his core, a man who knew himself and his purpose?

Men, when they ‘get it’ can be amazingly powerful, but how do they get there and why should they?

David’s life changed dramatically when he recently started a relationship with Sarah, a girl he had known and worked with for over three years. They had both been looking for their soulmate without realising that he/she was there in font of their eyes all the time. they were great friends and loved each other’s company.

It had never occurred to either of them that there was, or could be, anything more. Yet each was seeking what was missing in their life. Then, one day, the spark happened and their lives were transformed. They are living together now, even though they are from different countries, and are expecting a baby in the next few weeks.

So what changed, what happened? Where did the magic come from? What sparked?

The details of the story are irrelevant, what matters is the forces at work behind the individuals concerned.

Shakti Gawain in her book, ‘Living in the Light’, said,

“It is the Energy of the Universe moving through us that transforms, not the particular things we do. … Whether you are … taking a walk or building a house, if you’re doing it with a sense of being right where you want to be and doing what you want to be doing, that fullness and joy in the experience will be felt by everyone around you. … You will see proof of it in watching the changes in people.”

The energy of the universe runs through and influences us all. It is this that is responsible for the monumental changes such as the one that David and Sarah went through.

But how did this energy work its magic and transform two people? How did it create this blend of masculinity and femininity that is now producing new life?

Cheta, my partner, and I have been talking about the moment the spark happens, the moment everything changes. What are the actual forces that are working in people? We are particularly interested in this because it happened in our lives, allowing us to create the wonderful relationship we have.

In our work with men and women we have found that archetypes and stories often hold the key to age old mysteries. The parallel stories of Sleeping Beauty and the Frog Prince look at the essence of a person being put to sleep or hidden from the world. This continues until the ‘mysterious stranger’ comes along and kisses the Beauty/Frog. Then a transformation happens and the pair fall in love and live happily ever after.

So the answer is a kiss? No, not quite! Neither sex are waiting for their future partner to come along and kiss them, thus revealing, at last, their inner core, even if they think that’s the situation. The kiss is a metaphor and they key is to isolate what the metaphor is.

This leads us back to Shakti Gawain’s ‘Energy of the Universe’. There is a moment when the energy is revealed in all its power. That moment is when the initial spark of polarity fires between two people. Suddenly everything is clear and exciting. It is the moment often described as ‘love at first sight’. Shakti Gawain describes it as the moment you have a sense of being right where you want to be and doing what you want to be doing. At that moment the fullness and joy in the experience will be felt by everyone around you.

This happens between two people. The energy of polarity is revealed and acts as a catalyst in two people. That catalyst starts the transformation that moves the man into his masculinity and the woman into her femininity. Most of us know that moment, many of us have felt the spark.

It is at this point that men need to move into top gear and start working on how they show up as a man. I have talked a lot in these pages on this subject and i will be talking about it a lot more. Men are prone to leave this bit out and wonder, later on, why the spark died why the magic didn’t continue.

That initial spark of polarity is just a catalyst, it is just there to set off the chain reaction, not to keep it going. It reveals the infinite potential of polarity as a force between two people, the power that can exist between them, the excitement that comes from the interaction of their cores. Men need to harness that power, need to feel that excitement, need to fully experience the polarity and bring it into their life as a permanent feature. They need to develop their own power, strength and presence and take the woman by storm.

Rumi the 13th century poet said,

“A man’s head may be filled with knowledge of meaningless worldly matters, he may be familiar with all the sciences, and yet not know his own soul. He knows the special properties of every substance, but he is as ignorant as an ass about the nature of his own essence. He declares, “I know what is permissable and what is not,” but he does not know if his own actions are permissable. He knows the precise value of every article he buys and sells; but in his folly he does not know his own value. He has learned to distinguish auspicious stars from inauspicious ones, but he does not examine his soul to see if he is in a fortunate or poor spiritual state. To know yourself, and to live your life in anticipation of the Day of Jusgement, is to master the highest science.”

He needs to discover what his essence is and let it, help it, grow.

Why is this important? Why not just enjoy the initial spark of polarity while it lasts and let the future be what it may be?

David is in the full throws of the amazing passion he has discovered, Sarah is overwhelmed by the impending birth. Life is changing before her eyes in ways that she didn’t anticipate a few months ago. This period can be hateful for a woman, that’s why the hormones let you forget it once the baby is born. She wants to escape from it and thinks it would be great to go travelling the world, once the baby is born. She has a year’s maternity leave, why not use it to go to new places? David starts asking round seeking ideas for where to go.

Of course for him this seems a great idea. But as a man it’s his role to see beyond the irrationality of his woman. It is for him to see what she doesn’t yet see. There will be a vulnerable baby in the first few months of life that needs to be cared for and nurtured. There will be a woman in the throws, potentially, of post-natal depression, a woman for whom life may not make sense any more, a woman trying to come to terms with new responsibilities. It’s for him to think of his family and gently shift the idea into something practical. He will have a family to think of, they need him to be rational and be a man. They rely on him to guide and look after them.

Men are leaders not because they are better than women but because they can have the ability to focus and see beyond the immediate surroundings. They can live beyond this moment into the future. Women can be overwhelmed by their own emotions and the family they look after and can miss the bigger picture.

Men are leaders because they can extrapolate this beyond their immediate family. Nelson Mandela had the focus and foresight to see beyond the immediate surroundings of the prison cell he was held in for 27 years to the needs of his country. He was able to subjugate his needs to those of his people. That is the essence of a man.

Technorati Tags: Archetypes, core essence, energy, essence, feminine, focus, masculine, Presence, women

I love seeing the way men bond.

I am sitting by Sneekermeer in Friesland in The Netherlands. It’s a beautiful Saturday morning, bright and cold. Looking out over the water I see a typical picture of Male Bonding. Two men sitting in a boat fishing. Two men with their backs to each other, not talking but enjoying each other’s company. They wouldn’t do it alone, it just wouldn’t be the same. Women find this incomprehensible

So what is it that men are doing and why do they find such comfort in it?

1) Nothing Box

Men love being in their ‘Nothing Box’ (coined by the comedian Mark Gungor, see The Tale of Two Brains, very funny and so true). The way they deal with stress and responsibility is to leave it all behind for a time and empty their minds completely. They find this refreshing and invigorating. Sometimes I do this while my partner’s mind is raging around ‘everthing’ that’s going on. She cannot understand how I can just switch off! When men do this together they support each other in this place.

2) Focus

Men love to focus, it’s their raison d’etre. Even better is when men can focus together. Fishing is focusing, on the fish, on the techniques, on being out and away. Together the encourage each other and intensify the focus.

3) Being Together

Men find it difficult to be together without having a reason, a purpose. Women love the process of being together for no reason just talking and talking. men are not natural ‘talkers’, they need to be ‘doing’. Just being together suggests a closeness that is dangerous for men, disturbing. (Remember the film Brokeback Mountain…) This is something they do with women. But if there is a task… then it’s ok.

4) Talking

Finally there is talking. Men do it to communicate information, otherwise why bother. They will talk about what needs to be done, etc., on the trip, but they won’t fill the time with endless chatter. What is the purpose of that?

I love being a man, it’s so straightforward!

Technorati Tags: essence, focus, Male, Mark Gungor, Men, nothing box