In looking at men and love it’s important to consider men who cant find love, who cant love a woman.
A few days ago I looked at “10 Ways A Man Can Love A Woman“. In talking about men in love I said,
“It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of. It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul. Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life. Love is worship of the other person, the woman who is divine for you. Love is the power house behind our lives, it is the reason we live.”
It makes me sad that so many men just don’t feel this emotion, that there are so many men who can’t love. Yes, they have relationships, get married, have sex, bring up children, but still their lives remain relatively barren, they are still men who can’t find love. They try hard but remain separated from their wife, girlfriend or partner. They sometimes have co-dependent relationships that are based on need or gap-filling, but they never truly know the wonder of an inter-dependent relationship based on trust and self-knowledge.
What is it that holds them back? What is that gets in the way? What stops them?
Men Who Cant Find Love – Who Are They
There follow some pointers to what is happening in their lives instead of love:
1. Men who are looking for their mother.
I don’t know whether the mothers or the men are to blame for this. The men are looking to be fed, have their cleaning done and be generally molly-coddled.
I can remember my mother feeding me to show her love for me. I loved it but it got too much for me at times. She didn’t really teach me to look after myself or care for my woman.
I now do the cooking and take part in the household chores, I don’t expect my woman to look after me.
2. Men who are too absorbed in themselves.
It’s their life, their hobbies, their friends, their ambition, their children, their… Somehow their women doesn’t seem to come into the equation.
Men are used to running the world and filling their lives with activities and occupations. Nowadays men have even taken the role of father so seriously that they can forget that their woman is more than a mother.
I can remember staying at work too long when things were growing in my business. I can remember staying behind for a drink with my colleagues, forgetting my wife waiting for me at home. It was not good…
3. Men who are too on mission.
This is slightly different from the previous men who can’t love because woman love their men to be on mission. The focus and dedication of a man on mission is an amazing sight.
Sometimes it just goes too far. Sometimes the climber climbs one too many mountains and kills the relationship in the process, Sometimes the businessman goes on one too many trips abroad and loses sight of home.
Men need to find a balance on this.
4. Men who see themselves as alpha.
These are the ones that cause me so much pain. They are men who have a misplaced idea about men needing to be the alpha-males. Yes, dogs do it, but don’t have the intelligence we have.
They chase and conquer women to show how great they are. In the process they just show how lacking they are in any emotion, understanding or even humanity.
They are no better than dogs even if on the surface they appear to know what women want.
5. Men who just want a pal.
These are the sad ones who spend their lives going to the pub or the football game. They remember the great times with their pals when they were young and just want it to continue.
Occasionally it works when the woman becomes one of the lads, but this never lasts, then the man is left wondering what happened.
Sometimes men just need to realise they need to grow up.
6. Men who are afraid of intimacy.
Men often have difficulty dealing with intimacy, particularly when a relationship appears to be out of their control. The interesting part of this is that men also have difficulty acknowledging that they have difficulty dealing with intimacy. They usually sublimate the emotions into actions that they can understand.
This can show itself as aggression or even abuse, buit generally just results in sullenness and withdrawal.
Men who have this difficulty need help to overcome their fear and learn to become a normal part of the world.
7. Men who want their lost youth.
This shows itself, classically, in the mid-life crisis. Things were great when they were young, or so they remember. Life was free and easy, there were no pressures, no mortgages. Their women were beautiful and nubile in the time before children.
They have affairs trying to reach their long lost nirvana. In the process they throw everything away.
It is possible, however, to bring your youth into your present life by changing your outlook.
8. Men who want to control.
There are men who can’t love who just never seem to get over the temper tantrums of their childhood. They want everything and they want it now. No-one is going to stand in their way.
They lash out at their wife and children as well as their employees at work. Nothing is good enough for them.
They need to open their eyes and see that there is a big wide world out there that doesn’t revolve around them…
9. Men who lack a sense of polarity.
These are the ‘New Men’ who feel compassion for their women and want to spend their nlives honouring and worshiping them. There’s nothing wrong with this as such but the problem comes when their masculinity disappears in the process.
They go into ‘their feminine‘ and lose their sense of being a man. They seek equality with their woman and end up being the same.
The polarity disappears and the relationship become empty.
10. Men who are just too macho.
They just get so tied up with being a man. They look good, they drive a great car and they just expect women to fall over themselves to get to him.
Well at first they do. Then they find that there’s nothing there, there’s no substance, no real man at all.
Don’t get caught in this trap, look at yourself long and slow and look for what a woman sees in you.
Men, take care, become aware of who you are and how women see you. Don’t become one of the men who cant love a woman, be strong, be present and find love.
Other Posts in the series 'How To Love'
- 10 Annoying Things Men Do (Or Are They Endearing?)
- Be The Man Your Woman Will Love
- How To Be A Man - How To Be Present and Focused
- How To Love A Man - 10 Easy Steps For Women
- How To Love A Woman - 10 Ways For Men To Love
- Sex Tonight - 10 Ways To Woo Your Woman
I’m 6o years old and despite dating dozens of women when I was single, putting off marriage until I was 40 and then finally getting married because I wanted to be part of a family, in all that time I never feel in love with any woman. For years I thought I was simply unlucky and never met the right girl. But after years of therapy I was told I suffered from intimacy anxiety due to childhood (non sexual)abuse in a home with alcoholic parents. This intimacy anxiety was so made that it would cause me to suffer from sexual dysfunctions if I attempted to date any one woman more than a few times. My marriage has been sexless almost from the beginning and despite a normal sex drive I can’t have sex with my wife without suffering from erectile dysfunction. As long as I have sex with women I can hold at arm’s length I can function with no problems. This is what I did when I was single. I would simply move from woman to woman as soon as any sexual dysfunctions would begin. Although I did have a few brief affairs after I first got married I felt that I at least owed my wife faithfulness so I stopped which meant no sex at all and this has been the case for almost 20 years now. I really want to just go out and find someone to have sex with and then leave when the dysfunctions start like I did when I was single, but I don’t want to lose my family. Years of therapy has not been able to fix this. One therapist said “the damage in simply too deep” Soom people just can’t love others it causes too much anxiety and the anxiety makes sex difficult.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I hear what you are saying and I understand what your therapist said, but I simply do not accept it. I don’t beleive the damage is ever too deep. I am not belittling what you have, and are, going through but I never believe that abuse of any kind cannot be let go of.
I admire you for your determination and I think that your determination can win through. This situation is beyond therapy and is in your hands.
FInd you inner strength, find your masculine core essence and you can find a solution. Look at why you are married and deal with what you find.
I will be happy to talk to you if you feel it might help you. I am not a therapist, but I do know about alcoholism, being a man and sex. Just use the contact form on the site and send me an email.
Best wishes
Graham
ps I am 65 and still dealing with my issues. The transformation since I divorced at 60 has been dramatic…
And what about WOMEN who “can’t love”? Oh, there’s nothing wrong with them at all!
I didn’t say that… This is a site about men, not women. You really shouldn’t be so sensitive. The article is intended to help men look at themselves more honestly.
Bull – this is just pandering to the kind of crap women want to hear.
How about men who have been deeply emotionally wounded or were abused or neglected as children?
How come those things didn’t make the list?
To real for those who want to blame men for everything?
Wallace
I’m not blaming men for anything, I am just trying to help men see what can get in the way of them having a great relationship. There are just as many women who have similar problems but this site is not for women, it’s for men.
Your anger is obvious and not helpful. If I can help with issues you are having I am happy to. Please email me so we talk about this further.
Graham
Great insight- superb! Very helpful.
Kate
Thank you for that, what was most helpful about it, I’d be interested to understand.
Graham
Hi Graham,
I stumbled accross this website when I was almost ready to end the relationship with my boyfriend. Over the last 18 months I have been at this point several times. For the past 4 years he has been goinf through a very messy and expensive divorce. He has lost everything he has worked so hard for in his 27 year marriage and has 2 sons. He suffered violance at the hands of his father who eventualy left before he gew up and has real intinacy issues, he doesn’t like to be touched outside of sex and can’t show affection. He is also an alpha male. I am a very tactile woman who was emotionaly staved growing up and was never shown how to show love and was sexually abused by my father.
We both have deep emotional and psycological scars and are in a Dominant/Submissive relationaship. He being the dominant.
He is not physically abusive towards me other than consentially while we “play”.
However my need to be touched (cuddled) and loved is threatening our relationaship and am near the point of ending it with him. I love the bones of him and wnt to take care of him but don’t get what I need from him. Most people would tell me that there is no future in tis relationship but when he has been drinking he opens up a little and tries to tell me how he feels. I know it’s not easy for him and when I have a drink I get very emotional and tell him that I love him which is something I fnd very difficult to do any other time for fear of being too vunerable.
In your experince have you ever known such a relationship to ever be healthy and survive?
I don’t want to give up on him but I’m scared that we are too damaged to last.
Hi Karen, thanks for your openess and your honesty, I really appreciate it.
I see your situtaion and the dilemma I face. It is not an easy situatiion to be in and certainly not easy to resolve.
Before I answer your question I would like to clarify what I have found out about relationships from my own experience. Where a relationship is based on any form of co-dependency then it will eventually fail. Even if the couple stay together their relationship will die and become empty. This is what I call an “A” relationship, where the two lean on each other. A healthy relationship is an “H” relationship, where the two stand in their own right and their relationship is an added luxury.
I sympathise with what you want and need but I have to say that I have never known a relationship, such as the one you describe, to be healthy and survive. You both have needs and desires that are not being fulfilled except in the extremities of sex. Neither of you appear to be in a situation to help heal each other’s scars and your actions only hurt each other.
I feel that you need to look at and work on your issues about needing to be loved and the fear of being vulnerable. I won’t talk about your partner, except to him, other than to say that you are not in a position to help him.
I would like to refer you to a book, “Women Who Love Too Much“, this was a great help to my partner and very revealing about women trying to love their partners.
I suspect you expected the kind of answer I have given, if not I sincerely hope you understand what I am trying to say. Accepting this will not be giving up on him but starting to look after yourself.
Please let me know if I can help in any way.
Best regards and wishes
Graham
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Here’s another one for your article:
Men who lost everything in family court, who are tired of female perfidy, and don’t want to risk jail or bankruptcy a second time around.
Blaming men has become a cultural pastime in this country – it’s tiring, bigoted sexism that would not be tolerated if it were directed against women.
You clearly have pain, and I assume justifiably so. That does not, however, justify this kind of bitterness. We are all instrumental in the life we create for ourselves and blaming others is simple a convenient get-out for not taking responsibility for our own life.
Male eXperience will never be a site for men seeking sympathy or support for the wrongs done against them by the courts or women, so don’t come here expecting it. There are plenty of other sites for that.
I am sure there is much you can do yourself to help your situation. If you choose to go that route I am happy to help.
I randomly found this site through problogger even though I am actually female. I think every guy and everyone who dates guys should read this list. overall, the overarching theme is one that applies to everyone: balance! it’s key to good relationships with yourself, the world, others.
gotta say it’s a bit funny you include austin powers as #9– I think only his wardrobe is feminine!
some thoughts on the alpha males: having fallen prey to this kind of man (you’re 100% correct with the wolf picture) I have some insight into this personality type. I’m really happy to learn that other men don’t necc. admire or respect this kind of guy b/c our media really encourages that kind of behavior. These kind of men who must conquer women really aren’t interested in women– it’s about their masculine self image and relationship with other men. It’s a way of proving “hey see, I’m a big man”. These men not only suffer from egotism and boasting, they must belittle their women as a means of further inflating their sense of self. These men would never feel big or strong on their own, and must put a woman down in order to feel so. I’ve talked with other women who dated similar men and commonalities we found was that often these “alpha males” 1. grew up with an abusive or belittling father 2. actually hate (often envy) other men as much as they hate women 3. they are filled with self-loathing beneath the bravura– “consuming’ women is a way to dull and distract from that self-hatred.
anyways, sorry for the novella, I know all men are not like that. I just feel our media really glamorizes the alpha lifestyle and wanted to show that it really isn’t
Yes, balance does apply to everyone. The actual list would be different for a woman (I am thinking about that one) but the essence would be the same.
Thank you for saying what you and your friends feel about Alpha Males. The best I can say is that as a man I am embarrassed about what they do. At worst they are destructive of good relations between us. It so easy, however, for the media to trumpet them, shame on them.
Hi Graham,
I’ve been each one of these men over the past 48+ years. Experience is a good teacher; and an even better teacher is the wisdom we gain when we finally learn that love is a gift that is meant to be poured out – not controlled, misrepresented or conditional.
And showing love authentically is what a confident man does.
Alex
Alex
Thank you for sharing. Yes, experience is a good teacher. I too know these men, that’s why I find it so easy to talk about them. It is all about being confident as a man and letting your partner see that.
I love what you are doing and hope we can connect more in the future.
Graham
Nice to hear. My former partner seemed to always be in denial that he had no problems but that I was the problem. Finding authentic love in yourself is so important to be able to share it with someone else. Many women tend to put guys on a pedestal who have good looks or money and then cater to them. Men get used to this, which seems to inhibit them from developing real love for one women… Anyway, I enjoy reading some of these posts and learning that there are men out there trying to change and be aware of themselves and help other men (& women).
I also like Chivalry Now- The Code of Male Ethics- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8JI2cJ1qbY
This work seems to be aligned to what you are doing but your approach has a bit more humour.
Thanks for giving me a laugh! (on a not-so-pleasant topic).
Thanks for your comment. We all seek the comfort of thinking someone else is to blame. We find personal responsibility difficult and scary. The only way forward is self-awareness through courage and vulnerability.
I watched the video, yes, it aligns partially, but it portrays an unexciting prospect for men. It starts with “To Dream, the impossible dream…”, suggesting what…..
Thanks for your support.