I live in uncertainty and I relish what it brings to my life, or so I think. I am a passionate person, but what is passion?
I love stepping into the unknown and flying with the wind to my ultimate destination, or so I think.
“The quest for certainty blocks the search for meaning. Uncertainty is the very condition to impel man to unfold his powers.”
(Erich Fromm)
I have two images from the past week that create a conflict within me, that start a questioning process and cause discomfort.
Last week I sat with my meditation group and conducted a silent meditation on self-love. I had this clear vision which I found truly inspiring.
There was a fluttering inside my chest, a bird fluttering around inside a box. It was a Phoenix, the bird of re-growth and renewal. This is a key image for me because of my name and because of what it represents. I felt joy at this symbol being inside me.
The bird was contained and was trying to get out. I opened the doors of the box, in my chest, and took the bird out. I held it and gave it love, then I let it fly.
As it flew away it turned into a large eagle. As it flew off into the sky I reached up and grabbed its feet. I was carried off into the sky and off into the unknown.
I was exhilarated and excited. I didn’t know where we were going and I didn’t care. I just knew that it felt inspiring to reach out and grab my destiny.
The second image is one of me sitting last night as I checked my email before I went to bed. There was an email from the couple whose house we are looking after, here in Andalucia. We came here on a three year House-Sit and after 9 months we have been told that we are no longer required.
It was a shock, an upsetting surprise.
I have found the certainty of being here for a period a support in getting various enterprises off the ground, not least the development of Male eXperience.
Suddenly we are thrust back into the uncertainty of where we are going to live. I feel rejected for no reason or cause.
The uncertainty of where to live is our choice. We have chosen not to have a home and travel the world looking after people’s houses. We have chosen a location independent lifestyle so we can retain the freedom to do what we want.
Somehow, though, this new uncertainty was created by someone else, I feel that I am not in control of the situation.
“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.”
(Vincent van Gogh)
The question I ask myself is,
In thinking about this it seemed to me that there are a number of issues I need to clarify:
The Difference between Uncertainty and Chaos
Uncertainty is both a life choice and a life condition. It is a process of releasing my control over events and deliberately living in the search for meaning and purpose in life. Chaos is where I am out of control and have no grip on the reality around me. The uncertainty caused by another can feel like chaos to start with until I enter into the joy and wonder of it.
The Difference between Intention and Expectation
Intention is pushing my life out into the future and letting it fly towards a vision I have of life. Expectation is planning that certain things will happen. Intention is freeing while expectation is limiting. The expectation I had of being here for three years was starting to restrict and limit me while the intention to live in amazing places opens me up to something amazing.
The Difference between Excitement and Dread
I feel excited about the day when I wake up in the morning. I don’t know what is going to happen or even what I am going to achieve. The dread created by being told I have to leave where I am living is associated with someone else appearing to take control of my life. The dread is a highly personal feeling that pushes the buttons from my childhood. It makes me feel like a child again, at the mercy of my parents.
It’s Never About Me
This is key point to living in uncertainty. Whatever happens to me, whatever is created by other people, I have to remind myself that it’s not about me. People do things and make decisions based on their own ideas, emotions and obsessions. They may blame me for whatever is going on, but that is only because they can’t face their own demons. Remembering that can help dissipate any concerns or dread.
Trust My Intuition
The flow and direction of my life is guided by my intuition, intention and vision. Many times along the way I have to make decisions and follow certain paths. In uncertainty I have little guidance as to which is the best road to take. the answer is trusting my intuition, that internal guidance system which never stops nudging me along. Dr Brenee Brown talks about having the vulnerability to face life and succeed. Following the path of vulnerability requires a well used and developed intuition.
I will move forward in my uncertainty and vulnerability and I will grow from where I am now. I will go further, though, and become stronger every time I face a dilemma, every time someone seems to throw me into chaos. I will see the progress in it and rejoice in what has been created for me.
“The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.”
(Ursula LeGuin)
In ‘Uncertainty is the Key to Life’ I said,
“It is the point at which you decide to step into uncertainty that the future of your life is determined. [...] The key is uncertainty. Accepting this shows a level of self-knowledge and courage that makes a man trustworthy. It makes a man powerful because he can take the shifts and swirls of uncertainty that rage in this world and still be left standing.”
This applies to more than just myself as a man, it also applies to me as a person, and to you.
What about passion, then? Well that is in everything I do…
—Photo h.koppdelaney/Flickr