I have been reading around the web on what is out there for men, what advice are they being given, where are they being directed. I can tell you there is not much… that is not much of any use. There is plenty to help you be a ‘man’. That is if you smoke cigars, wear the right clothes and beat your chest in a manly way. There is plenty if you want to be a PUA (if you don’t know what this is, remain safe in your ignorance) or a male feminist. But for the ordinary man who is interested in a genuine masculinity…
I did come across a fascinating set of four rules for masculinity that had been quoted by a woman at a conference. She was bemoaning the state of masculinity and the parcity of what men are taught. The rules are:
1. No Sissy Stuff: Masculinity is based on the relentless repudiation of the feminine.
2. Be a Big Wheel: Masculinity is measured by the size of your pay cheque, and marked by wealth, power and status.
3. Be a Sturdy Oak: What makes a man a man is that he is reliable in a crisis. And what makes him reliable in a crisis is that he resembles an inanimate object. A rock, a pillar, a tree.
4. Give ‘em Hell: Exude an aura of daring and aggression. Take risks; live life on the edge.
What is disturbing about these four rules is that like most mis-information they are about 75% accurate, but totally mis-directed. I am sure I agree with the woman quoting them when she says that many men believe these rules and live by them. This is true only because men are not helping each other to grow beyond this kind of beer-swilling nonsense.
In a spirit of compassion for these poor mis-directed men I would like to offer my own four rules:
1. Own Your Own Power: Masculinity is based on the realisation of your own power and using that with compassion.
2. Be Confident: Masculinity is measured by the size of your certainty. Men know and men act; men are focused and clear in their objectives.
3. Be Strong: What makes a man a man is that he is centred. His reliability comes from maintaining his direction and and passing his certainty on to others.
4. Be Present: Exude an aura of authenticity, be in the moment. Take risks and maintain connection with others, no matter it seems to cost you.
What are your four rules?
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I think your rules are a good idea for any person to follow, but I’m confused about why you would consider them masculine. Would you consider femininity and masculinity opposites? Do you think women should be uncertain, unclear in their objectives, and not take risks, for example?
I’m not attacking your post at all, I’m just genuinely curious what your thoughts are on this. My personal belief is that gender is mostly socially constructed, and that traits should not be considered “masculine” or “feminine”, but that people should be free to be whoever they want to be without judgment.
Iris
Thanks for your comment, you pose a very interesting question. For me these rules are specifically related to being a man and connect with certain characteristics which I see as masculine. I don’t see masculinity and femininity as opposites but certainly as different. So it doesn’t mean that these rules don’t apply nor does it mean that they would be opposite, just different.
For me, men and women are different, and that is something to celebrate. Great relationships come about through polarity, not equality. This does not suggest one is better than the other, just that the electricity created by a polarity of energies is what makes relationships exciting. Many men miss this and women notice the lack of fire. I have women saying to me often, “Where are all the men?” They feel the lack of men who understand the concept of polarity.
I could suggest 4 rules for women, maybe I will look at this…
Graham
Hi Graham, thanks for your reply. I do think it’s important to have complimentary differences in relationships, though I’m not sure I agree that they necessarily have to be gendered. I would be interested in reading a “4 rules for women” article =)
Iris
No, they don’t necessarily have to be gendered. It’s the polarity in the relationship that’s important. So there is no reason why a woman shouldn’t follow the rules I have set out, as long as the man doesn’t as well. This is very important in same sex relationships where still needs to be a spark of energy.
The reason I connect it to gender, as I do, is that this is the majority situation. This affects many, many men who don’t understand how to create polarity.