About Men By Women

I was recently involved in a discussion on Facebook that was prompted by a man, Mike, asking why he was not succeeding with women. Except for me, all the responses were from women. I think they show a continued split amongst women on male/female roles in relationships, equality or not? What they all show, however is a need that is not being provided by men. I think men need to think about this situation seriously and start looking at how they can change it.

Mike

Are all women only interested a man that can ‘provide’, either protection, good looks  or money? I’ve heard a nice smile, a big heart and a sense of humour works, but not long-term in my (limited) experience thus far.

Susanne

The more a woman knows she can provide for herself and the more she defines and creates ‘security’ for herself the less she is looking for someone to do that for her. This leaves her free to enjoy the many other gifts a man can bring to the relationship.

Jackie

Just as you ask it of women, there are men who aren’t willing to do the ‘providing’.

Jodi

I think to have a successful relationship you need to be equals on every level. You need to complement, not complete, each other because you can only complete yourself. You should never change yourself to be who they want you to be, because you will only end up resenting them.

Hanna

For me a man with a big heart, lovely smile, great sense if humour are a must but I also want a man who has stability in his life. I don’t need a man to provide for me, I want us to be on equal levels. Independence is very important for both the man and woman. You need to have love, trust and respect for any relationship to work.

Pauline

You are just encountering the mixed up world of confused genders! Neither gender is sure what they are aiming for these days. In times gone by it was all rather simple; man was the hunter, gather, provider and the woman was the supporter, nurturer. Thankfully equality kicked in and women got the chance to shine in the boardroom as well as other rooms!!

However things got dreadfully confused. Us girls started to think we could have it all; the career, the husband, the children, the fabulous dinner parties, and the charity work. We were raised and educated to excel and work every hour to achieve our dreams, on our own. Then reality set in, we couldn’t, do it, it was all too much, something had to crack. We started to feel worn out by it all.

Whilst women were tipping the scales so out of balance, men got confused as they no longer had clarity of their role. Most were becoming rather intimidated by this surge of independent females.

The reality is that money, careers, and material things come and go, what remains is someone with whom you share values, passion, interests and future aspirations. In this “coming to terms phase”, some women are moving away from being driven by careers to wanting what their mothers had; a man who can provide and take care of them and they will play house. These women should be applauded as they have worked out what they truly want and won’t bow to the media and other female pressure to say they want it all!

Graham

Mike, you ought to know better. A nice smile, a big heart and a sense of humour are great but they’re not enough, and it’s not to do with providing. A woman needs a man she can trust. A man she can rely on. A man who will be strong and be there, no matter what. ‘Providing’ is a tiny aspect of this, it shows some level of commitment, but a lot more is needed. Mike, stop blaming others, if relationships aren’t working look inside yourself. The answer will always lie there.

Liz

I just want someone to look after, that will look after me too, in other words a joint relationship where both take responsiblity for their actions and each other, oh and the important bit to be happy, if I don’t have that I have nothing.

Rachel

Every woman is like a snowflake. They are unique and beautiful, but only flourish in the right conditions. Men are strong by nature, they are the protectors, and different men provide different nurturing conditions for each type of ‘flake’. Some flakes are gentle and sit on the end of your nose making you smile, and some need a plough to move them as they are tough and weathered.

Katy

Be yourself, be your best and you’ll find your soulmate/partner who wants to be themselves and their best. When you want to compete in loving, providing, caring, because you both value each other, that is a great start and better than a retro provider/homemaker contrast. Many women now work as well, so men should share in traditionally female roles. We are evolving towards equal respecting partnerships and a balance and flow in roles depending on circumstances. If we take the long term view we want someone you can grow old with and laugh, cry, smile, never bore of communicating with or loving forever.

Laurie

I do agree with Graham about the trust. My man being there for me is how I would define providing for me. Money comes and goes, external beauty can fade, it’s who you are inside that matters. I believe when you let go, enjoy life and are not focused on finding love, it’ll find you.

Liz

Graham is right about trust.

Mike

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Of course I know all that, and it’s lovely to know I have so many caring and wise friends that I respect and trust. Thank you for being there.

Anita

I am interested in someone who can be themselves with me, while I am being myself. If I answered that question in theory I would say that having a life partner that can contribute to a comfortable lifestyle is imperative. However, in practice, I believe that love is a little more selective than that.

Graham

Mike, come off it, stop pretending! “Of course, I know all that”!! Knowing means nothing, how is it showing up in your life? Your “limited experience” has left you asking the question, the least you can do is take what all these ladies say seriously and give them some time and respect. When a man thinks he knows all about women and relationships I know he is desperate because it just isn’t happening. Get out of your head and get into your heart and look into what’s there. Show you are trustworthy, show that these ladies have not all wasted their time.

Mike

Haha, thank you Graham, that was hard-hitting and yet made me laugh, just as well I know you and know you’re coming from the heart. As you know, I am very fortunate in that people do trust me, and I am generally the leader in all aspects of my life. I put that down to following through and actually doing what I said I was going to. Time to change focus now, no more comment required on this subject.

Laurie

Graham, you are AWESOME!! That’s great coaching. I can see you are a true friend to Mike. Mike, you will definitely grow from this experience.

Tracey

Maybe trust comes from being able to make ourselves vulnerable to people we care about, showing our feelings and speaking our truth (from the heart) is true strength and that is the ‘provider’ that every woman seeks, not money or looks but a man who shows up and stands up with all his insecurities and hence his passion and his love unlocked too. Ohhh, I’m going all weak just thinking about it.

(Note: The conversation has been edited for clarity)