At dinner, the other night, I was discussing men with with two ladies. We were sitting in a small Indian cafe in Little India in Singapore. My partner and I were talking about our relationship, how strong it is and what shifts we had to make to allow it to happen. Our friend told us about a man she had been with at lunch who was having issues with his girlfriend.
He was dealing with the issues of a long term relationship and the wildness of his woman. This is, of course, something that all men have to deal with if they want their relationship to work. They had reached a point where things were rocky and he needed to take action. He called her and asked her to come to Singapore so they could talk things out. So, reluctantly, she came and they talked and talked. She decided things weren’t going anywhere and went back to Hong Kong. He now sits in Singapore agonising over what to do and talking to our friend about it, seeking help.
So our friend wanted me to talk to this man and help him to see how to step up and be a man.
I wasn’t able to organise it but through this post at least I can help others in the same predicament.
Having reached a rocky stage he made four critical errors that ensured the relationship would fall apart completely. These four errors centred on his behaviour as a man. If you already know what they are you can stop reading, you are in a great state. If you can’t see them yet you need some help so keep reading. These errors are so basic in our relationships with women that dealing with them can transform our lives.
First error was that he asked her to come to him. You may think that this shows his strength as a man in telling her what to do. No! He was showing weakness and indecision. He wasn’t sure of his ground so he wanted her to come to his patch where he felt most confident, he thought it meant he could control the situation. It just showed her that he didn’t know what he wanted and that between them they might find a solution. In my view the situation never recovered from this error. It is so basic that you must remember it. Know what you want and go to her. Show your confidence and take your presence to her.
She wasn’t sure if she had read it correctly and, being a woman, decided to test him. She went to him to see if he could retrieve the position. He started talking, that was the second error. He should have shown by his energy and by his actions what he wanted, instead he talked. She immediately knew he didn’t know what he wanted, he wasn’t confident of his position. He was showing his weakness. So she stayed to give him some time, yet another female test. He didn’t recover so she left.
Virtually his last chance was to get on a plane and follow her. That could win her over. The strength and presence he would have shown could be all she needed. Of course her leaving was a test to see if he would follow her. No, he didn’t, end of story. Never think this is too late, you can still recover at this stage, but it needs strength and certainty.
His ultimate weakness was shown when he went to talk to a female friend about the situation seeking help and advice. Guys, that is the final, devastating weakness. Women are not there to be your confidante, even if they are not your girlfriend. That is what other men are for. We all are unsure at times. That’s why we go and have a beer with our mate and moan about women. We get the angst out of out system and find the strength to do what we really know we should have done all along.
The man we are talking about is a clever, successful man, he just doesn’t know his manhood. He spent his time pleading and placating. When I said to the two ladies, after hearing the story, “Pleading just doesn’t hack it”, they both looked at me and nodded furiously. That was his simple error, he pleaded with his girlfriend. Women hate that. It’s so weak they want to slap you. Before I made my shift I tried to plead with my, now, partner. She just said to me, “I don’t need another girlfriend, I need a man”. Wow, that hit home. It upset me, but it set me on the track to be the man I am today.
So men, take heed from this man. Don’t plead, don’t persuade. Decide what you want and go for it with total certainty, the one with the most certainty wins.
Finally I just want to say a quick word about female testing. They will always do it, as long as you are together. Women need to trust their men and the only way they can be sure you are trustworthy is to constantly test it. Look for it and love it. If it upsets you, you are finished, try becoming a monk instead.
Contact
Darrin, thanks for the comment.
I see the errors, and there are ones you haven't pointed out. I'm interested that the casual style gets in the way, that was deliberate and if it doesn't work I will look at it because I do have important things to say. Perhaps I am too impatient to say them?
The issue in point two is that he talked rather than show her by his attitude or body language. Yes, he was pleading, but that's not the issue, it's that he talked at all. Women can tell by looking at you what is going on, if he felt confident and strong he would not have had to say anything.
Getting on a plane and following her might have made a difference if he had used it to counter what had happened before. Women will always give you a final chance if they feel it is in you. I know, I have taken that final chance and made it through. Never give up too early. Of course, if he had followed her and started talking again….
I have edited the post to remove the errors and tighten it up. I think it reads a lot better now. Thank you for the help, Darrin.
[...] continually, test him to see if she can shake him, to see if she see behind his behaviour. I have written on testing before, and feel that this is the greatest expression of a woman’s love for a [...]
“I wasn’t able to organise it but through his post at least I can help others “–through THIS post
“So men talk heed from”–TAKE heed
Numerals less than ten should be spelled out. Or, at least be consistent in their use.
It's not clear in point two, why starting to talk is an error. I suspect what he said was wrong, assuming that he was pleading. Perhaps, change it to read “He started PLEADING…”
Let's be honest here, he killed every chance by pleading. His only choice at that point was no contact and moving on. Getting on a plane and following her would have made no difference.
You seem to have important things to say, but the grammatical errors and casual writing style get in the way.
This really pisses me off for some reason. I`m getting really tired of this macho alpha male crap. I`m not an expert, and, yes, women test men, but I think there is more to this kind of scenario then meets the eye. You are basically saying, “don`t be a wussy – women don`t like wussies.” Ok, fine. Thanks for the info – I can now take my relationships to a new level!
I would have just walked away or been brutally honest. Fuck this “I`m all tough and know what I want…so you should like me…but I can`t tell you that because I`m not a wussy!” If a woman doesn`t want to be with you, she doesn`t want to be with you…I say fuck them…they don`t know what they want half the time, and it`s a waste of time dealing with their neurotic behavior.
This is where I am at with this…it`s a painful place to be. The more truth I discover, the less I believe intimate relationships to be co-constructive and unconditionally loving but, instead, some sort of power-play of status, sexual rights and control (hence all the “testing”).
Alex
Alex
This is really not macho alpha male crap! I hate that stuff. None of us are experts, we are all in training!
The point is that we need to understand women better, what goes on in their minds and the secret to their ‘neurotic behaviour’. The testing is not about ‘status, sexual rights and control’ but about Trust and Surrender. I regard the testing as the highest act of love a woman can make. If she doesn’t love you or want to be with you why bother testing!
I am highlighting a case where the woman does want to be with the man, but not on any terms. He needs to show that he wants to be with her. He needs to show that she can trust him, that he will be there for her. Once she feels this then there can be a ‘co-constructive and unconditionally loving’ relationship. Both parties need to demonstrate their love by their actions, not just their words.
Too many men put it all in the woman’s court, ‘they don’t know what they want half the time’ and don’t take responsibility for what happens. It’s not about not being a ‘wussy’ but about honouring yourself and being certain.
I sense a lot of hurt in you from relationships, don’t make the women responsible for that. Look at yourself and think about what you are doing, how you are reacting. If you want to talk more off-line then email me at mail@malexperience.com.
Thanks for stopping by.
Graham
That is a very insightful reply. Thank you. It is easy for me to blame women and thus abdicate my responsibility in relationships. I never thought that they would test out of love…because they need to feel safe first???? But it makes sense now that I think about it – if you are going to open up to someone you want to know what they are like when the shit hits the fan. I think I got angry because I don’t feel adequate as a man, and this article really makes me feel insecure.
If you have skype, I would like to talk to you there – my username is ‘alexthehungry’
Alex
Female Testing…
In a recent post in Male eXperience, Pleading Does Not Hack It, while talking about the failure of a man’s relationship through too much pleading, I said’ “Finally I just want to say a quick word about female testing. They will always do it, as long as…
[...] a recent post, Pleading Does Not Hack It, while talking about the failure of a man’s relationship through too much pleading, I [...]
[...] An Unknown Man in Singapore who helped me to realise that, “Pleading Doesn’t Hack It“. I found it important to see this trait in myself and understand why it is the worst thing a [...]
[...] (“Don’t hurt me no more…” Oh Please… Be a fucking man!) [...]